We matched! Or did we?
Everyone says that adoption is a rollercoaster ride.
Within 48 hours we were on a plan for a “stork drop” situation.
And on our layover we received a text that the birth mother had changed her mind.
This is our story.
Table of Contents
How it Started
Adoption can take months, even years.
It had been over a month since we had received a single case from our consultant.
On Tuesday, May 7th, 2024 at 1:11pm we received a text about a stork drop baby boy in Florida.
Fast forward to 1:47pm that same day – we received another text about a baby born situation in Oregon. The mother had chosen us off of a website.
Considering we hadn’t received a case in over a month, being presented with two cases on the same day was a crazy feeling.
Presenting To A Case
It’s common practice to not apply to more than one case at a time.
Once we received the Florida case, we immediately submitted our profile to be presented.
After hearing that we were chosen by a birth mom in Oregon, we had to decide what to do.
We withdrew our application to Florida and proceeded with Oregon.
Our Phone Call With The Birth Mother
The adoption facilitator told us that the birth mom in Oregon would like to speak with us and so we scheduled a call for that evening.
Three attempts were made to reach the birth mom unsuccessfully.
With these change of events, our consultant allowed us to present to the Florida case because the phone call did not occur.
The next day we waited. and waited. and waited. AND waited.
We learned that the birth mom in Florida had placed with another family.
On May 8th at 3:20pm, we were able to connect with the birth mom in Oregon. She ended the call by telling us that we would make great parents for her son!
The adoption facilitator confirmed the match on May 8 at 4:21pm and told us we could start looking for flights!
As instructed, we booked a flight and headed out West the next day.
Here is where things go awry.
No Longer Matched
With a layover in Denver, we hopped on a 6am flight from North Carolina to Oregon.
Upon landing in Denver, I received a text message stating the birth mom had changed her mind and chose to place with family.
Say what?!
Needless to say, that was the longest shortest flight we’ve ever experienced.
Because things transpired so quickly, we landed in Oregon without hotel accommodations or a rental car.
And now a failed adoption.
The next few days were difficult, but we chose to make the most of a s*** situation and become tourists in a new place.
So we drove to the coast and to the cascade mountains. We saw A LOT.
Matched Again
The next day on May 10, 2024 we received a phone call from the facilitator stating “things aren’t going to work out. She wants you to parent her son!”
Silence.
I was speechless. Should we be excited?
We didn’t answer right away because we needed time. This decision to not lead by emotions brought out the worst in the adoption professionals we were working with. It was at this moment that we saw the ugly of adoption.
It was at this moment that we saw that adoption was purely a business for many. The lack of compassion for the birth mom and lack of empathy for us, the hopeful adoptive parents, was heartbreaking.
Hiring an Attorney
So come to find out, flying out to Oregon was premature.
We didn’t have an attorney.
Our birth mom didn’t have an attorney.
We didn’t know that an attorney should be involved sooner.
We were following the guidance of our consultant and adoption professionals.
We were only told about hiring the attorney after wiring the money to the adoption facilitator.
Oregon is beautiful, but cell coverage is spotty at best. There were multiple times when we would pull over to check text messages or receive/send a phone call from/to our attorney.
Thankfully, both attorneys were rock stars and worked over Mother’s Day weekend to ensure a smooth placement.
Shopping for Baby Stuff
So we’ve matched, but wait… we have NO baby stuff!!!
We made a Target run and loaded up on the essentials.
Buying the bare minimum was hard, but we tried to keep in mind that we were flying home and would have to carry everything back with us.
We purchased:
- Infant car seat
- Formula
- Diapers
- Pacifier
- Burb cloths
- Bibs
- Onesies
- Baby shampoo
- Diaper Rash Cream (Desitin)
Potential Placement Day
On our 5th day in Oregon, we received a text message from our consultant saying that the adoption facilitator believed the placement would occur that day. She advised that we get up early and make the journey towards town.
As advised, we got up and made the 3 hour trip one way to a very small, rural town in Oregon.
We waited. and waited. AND waited.
We heard nothing for hours. No communication from anyone – the consultant, the adoption facilitator, attorneys.
I finally reached out to the facilitator and was like “what is going on?”
Oops.. she thought our attorney told us that the placement day got postponed a day. We were livid!
She asked if we could just stay near town. We already had accommodations booked near the airport and had already spent a lot of money due to flying down so early. (Also, we were never provided clarity on where the birth mom lived in Oregon until this day)
So we drove 3 hours back to our Airbnb, only to make the drive again the next day.
Actual Placement Day
On our 6th day in Oregon, we received placement of our baby boy.
We met at his birth mother’s home in a rural section of Oregon WITH her attorney present. (Previously, the facilitator said we could just go “pick up the baby,” like without legal representation…..)
Knowing what to say in those 30 minutes was challenging. We weren’t prepared for the circumstances and didn’t know what to say (or not to say).
After placing the 6-week old baby boy in our car seat, we headed to a grocery store parking lot to do the legal paperwork.
Then, we headed to two different hospitals an hour apart, seeking out medical records required for ICPC clearance. All while having a 6-week old in tow. Talk about stressful!
Awaiting ICPC Clearance
We finally had placement of our 6-week old baby boy, but there was still a lot to do. One thing we prioritized was having our son examined prior to flying. He had not been seen since his discharge from the hospital at birth.
The following day after placement, we headed to a pediatric urgent care. We didn’t know where else to go to have him looked at to ensure his safety when flying.
Long story short…
The PA didn’t examine him. He took his weight and diagnosed him with failure to thrive. He reported us to child protective services. We had the child for less than 24 hours.
A couple hours later a social worker and police officer showed up at our AirBnb. Thankfully, they were kind and listened to our story. The social worker helped us and we are forever grateful.
Flying Home
Getting the call from our NC attorney that we were cleared to return home was one of the happiest moments of our life.
Yes, Oregon is a beautiful state. But we had been through he** the past 15 days.
Thankfully, our son did wonderful on the flight home. The jet engine lulled him to sleep. The change in cabin pressure didn’t bother him.
The hardest part was carrying the car seat through the airport and going through security.
We carried pre-made formula with us and the TSA agents wanted to open every bottle for testing – that would cause us to loose some of our formula! Thankfully, there was another option for screening.
To Summarize
Adoption shouldn’t be this hard.
We are thankful for the end result, but the journey was draining and, to be quite honest, a bit emotionally traumatizing.
Everyone has a different adoption journey and experience. I wouldn’t wish our experience on another hopeful adoptive parent.
In the end, God had a plan and was behind the scenes orchestrating this match and outcome.
| [Some of] Our Adoption Roadblocks in Oregon |
|---|
| Once we finally gave a verbal agreement to the match, the adoption facilitator/advertiser immediately requested that a wire transfer be made. It was Friday evening. Banks were closed. |
| The advertiser agreed that she would provide 100% refund if the adoption failed; however, she refused to put this in writing. |
| The adoption facilitator told us to go “pick up the child” without an attorney or anything present. Um… no thank you. |
| Miscommunication led us to drive 3 hours away a day early to unite with our son, only to learn that we were told the incorrect day. |
| After trying to obtain a well-baby check-up to ensure the safety of the child, we were reported to child protective service for neglect (Failure to Thrive). We had the child for less than 12 hours. |
Helpful Adoption Tips We Learned
- Choose lodging with a washer and dryer. Our AirBnB host was flexible with our dates once he heard our story!
- A dresser drawer works great as a temporary bassinet until you can get home.
- Get an adoption attorney involved sooner, rather than later. They are on your side and are a voice of reason.
- You may not need a physical profile book printed, unless required by your agency. Many accept PDF.
- Be flexible, with everything.
- Demand clear communication from ALL individuals involved in the adoption.
- Don’t feel pressured to make a decision. Take your time. It’s okay.
For more of our adoption articles, please click here to read more!
Update about our urgent care visit: Upon return home, we received a generous call from the Medical Director. She appologized for our experience and informed us that the PA no longer was working for that center. She also offered to refund our visit.
