Adoption is a profound and life-changing journey, both for the children who find loving homes and the families who open their hearts to them. Adoption, while beautiful in many aspects, also encompasses loss and grief.
Positive adoption language plays a crucial role in promoting respect, empathy, and understanding within adoption narratives. Employing positive adoption language shows sensitivity towards all members of the adoption triad (adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents) is important.
Why Positive Adoption Language Matters
Words hold immense power. They shape perceptions, convey attitudes, and influence emotions. When it comes to adoption, the language we use can either uplift or unintentionally reinforce stereotypes and misconceptions.
For adoptees, positive adoption language affirms their sense of belonging and validates their experiences. It reinforces the narrative that adoption is a courageous choice made out of love, rather than abandonment.
Birth parents also benefit from positive adoption language, as it recognizes the complexity of their decisions and the enduring bond they share with their children. It acknowledges their courage and selflessness in choosing adoption as a path to provide a better future for their child.
Adoptive families, too, find empowerment in positive adoption language. It reinforces the idea that love, not biology, defines family. Adoptive parents are simply “parents,” and their adopted children are their “sons” and “daughters” in every sense of the word.
This language fosters a sense of unity and equality within the family unit, regardless of genetic ties.
Examples of Positive Adoption Language
SAY THIS:
- “Place/d for adoption”
- “Placed with another family”
- “Make an adoption plan”
NOT THIS:
- “Give/gave up for adoption”
- “Give/gave away”
- “Put up for adoption”
These phrases are commonly heard when discussing adoption. People often say that a woman “gave up” her child for adoption or inquire why she “gave away” her baby to adoptive parents.
Using “give up” or “give away” in reference to a child can imply disposability.
Consider it—we typically use those terms when dealing with unwanted items in our homes. These words suggest that the adoption decision was made carelessly, when in reality, for most women, it is one of the most difficult decisions they’ll ever face.
SAY THIS:
- “Birth mother/father”
- “Birth parents”
- “Biological mother/father/parents”
- “Expectant mother”
NOT THIS:
- “Real mother/father/parents”
- “Natural mother/father/parent”
One of the most painful experiences for adoptive parents is when others refer to their child’s biological parents as their “real” mom or dad. The terms “Mom” and “Dad” hold immense significance for anyone, but particularly for adoptive parents who have navigated infertility or who had trouble conceiving biologically.
It’s akin to suggesting that because they didn’t conceive or give birth to a child, they aren’t authentic parents.
Does this imply that their adopted child isn’t their “real” child, despite the exhaustive efforts and sacrifices made to bring them into their family, nurturing them just like any other parent?
Moreover, these words can be equally distressing for the adopted child. It may insinuate to them that because they lack a biological connection to their parents, the bond and love shared isn’t as genuine.
This exacerbates any sense of grief or loss they may already feel as a consequence of their adoption.
SAY THIS:
- “Son/daughter/child”
NOT THIS:
- “Own child”
- “Adopted child/son/daughter”
- “Biological child”
- “Birth child”
When discussing a child (or children) in an adoptive family, it’s not necessary to highlight their adoption status by labeling them as “adopted son/daughter.” Similarly, there’s no need to differentiate between a family’s “birth” child/ren and their adopted child/ren.
Whether a child is biological, adopted, or fostered, they are unequivocally a parent’s daughter/son. Biology does not determine this title any more than it does the titles “mom” or “dad.”
SAY THIS:
- “Decided to parent”
NOT THIS:
- “Changed her mind”
- “Decided to keep the baby”
Using the phrase “decided to parent” embodies positive adoption language as it respects and validates the autonomy of the birth mother in making a significant life choice. This term acknowledges the birth mother’s thoughtful consideration and ultimate decision to raise her child, emphasizing her active role in the parenting process.
On the other hand, phrases like “changed her mind” or “decided to keep the baby” can carry negative connotations and inadvertently undermine the birth mother’s decision-making process.
“Changed her mind” implies a sudden alteration of plans, diminishing the gravity and deliberation involved in the decision. Similarly, “decided to keep the baby” may unintentionally trivialize the complexity of the birth mother’s decision by reducing it to a simple choice between “keeping” or “giving away” the child.
SAY THIS:
- “They grew their family through adoption”
- “They were blessed by adoption”
- “They became parents through adoption”
NOT THIS:
- “They adopted their child/ren”
- “Their son/daughter is adopted”
Using phrases like “They were blessed by adoption” and “They became parents through adoption” exemplifies positive adoption language as they emphasize the joy and gratitude associated with the adoption process while respecting the experiences of all involved.
These expressions recognize adoption as a source of blessing and fulfillment for the entire family, celebrating the journey of becoming parents through the beautiful act of adoption.
On the other hand, phrases like “They adopted their child/ren” and “Their son/daughter is adopted” are not considered positive adoption language. While factually accurate, these expressions may inadvertently center the adoptive parents’ actions or the adoptive status of the child, potentially overshadowing the love, joy, and familial bonds that define the adoption experience.
By contrast, using phrases that focus on the blessings and joys of adoption, such as “They were blessed by adoption” and “They became parents through adoption,” shifts the narrative to one of gratitude, celebration, and inclusivity.
Adoption is a family matter, and while it is a part of a child’s identity, it shouldn’t fully define them.
SAY THIS:
- “What a beautiful family”
- “I’m happy for your family”
- “What a blessing!”
NOT THIS:
- “He/she is so lucky that you adopted him/her!”
- “It’s so wonderful that you’re giving him/her a better life!”
- “You’re such good people for adopting and helping a child in need.”
For various reasons, there’s a tendency for people to idolize adoptive parents. However, it’s important to recognize that adoptive parents are not heroes. They are individuals who desired to expand their family and chose adoption as the way to do so.
This doesn’t mean that they have “rescued” a child or are providing a superior life compared to what their biological parents could offer. In reality, such words may exacerbate feelings of inadequacy or grief in the adopted child. It disregards any emotional struggles they may endure as a result of their adoption.
Thank You
We appreciate your commitment to learning about positive adoption language. It’s important to acknowledge that mistakes happen, and it’s okay to correct ourselves in the moment. After all, awareness is the first step toward growth and progress.
We encourage you to share this knowledge with others and join us in advocating for adoption. Perhaps you could gently correct someone if you notice them using negative adoption language. If you have personal experiences with adoption, we welcome you to share examples of both positive and negative adoption language in the comments below.
Your insights can contribute to fostering a more understanding and respectful dialogue surrounding adoption.
